Anger

December 3rd, 2009 my friend was shot to death along with her 3 year old daughter. They were found her car, stil buckled in, car running, lights on. Neveah went to preschool where Amber worked and they had just pulled in when Neveah's astranged father choose to take their lives, along with his girlfriend and other 2 year old daughter's, before taking his own.

Change is inevitable, change is good...but not all change is good. I've been struggling this last year. For the first few months of 2010 I struggled with my view of humanity, I struggled with my religion, I struggled; with everything. I'm not an angry person. Anger seeps into your skin, to the muscle, through your bones and into your soul. It's poison, a contagious desease that eats you from every angle until it's all you have. It can become what you are so easily. But anger is easy.

(side note to myself, Three Little Birds is playing, my playlist is on random and there are more than 1,000 songs on it right now. Veah was born to this song and it makes me smile)

When the anger passed the pain hit me...I still cry, I want my friend back. Everyday I'm getting closer to understanding things, every day I'm growing and accepting. Today though, I just really want my friend back.

Christopher is still angry, so angry. Mostly toward Tyrone, the man who commited the unthinkable. I'm not sure if it's harder to watch Pher resist this change, or to watch him be so angry toward this. If I could do one thing with my life it would be to take his pain. All of it. Because the only thing harder than missing Amber is seeing him miss her.

When Tyrone took the lives of 2 women and their 2 children he took everything from their families and friends. Everything. In taking his own life he took justice from them too. I don't know how to not be a little angry about that.

No one conected with this event knows about this blog. I don't think anyone reads this blog anymore. But if someone is reading, this post was more coherant in my head. And it made more sense with the Title. And because no one connected with the event will read it I think it may be silly to continue with my next statement. Of course here I go anyway.

My greatest wish is for peace, healing and love to find all those burried under their grief on December 3rd, the days leading up to December 3rd, and every single day of the each year. Please let it get easier as time passes. Please hold onto all memories. Laugh out loud at the funny ones, tell your stories, cry when you need to, smile when you think of them, and share your love with everyone. Because if nothing else can heal us love will. Always.

Mothers Suck

I'm so pissed I don't think I can make this post look pretty. I'm just.. well... venting I guess.

My ring is a Sapphire surrounded by four small diamonds (conflict free). I'm not sure what we're doing for the wedding band but I keep coming back to adding diamonds under the sapphire so it's kind of like a horse shoe of diamonds surrounding the stone. I called mom all excited because I thought I'd figured it out, and all she could say is, "It's your ring I guess". So I took a deep breath and stayed calm through the phone conversation and moved on...

Then we figured out the venue for our wedding (sunset yacht cruise on the Chicago river). To do this we want to keep the guest list to 25 people or so, I don't like to be the center of attention anyway, and this keeps the open bar costs down ect. So immediate family only, keeps the crowd down for my vows too. Then we are going to stay in a hotel over night and come back up to Madison for an awesome party with friends and extended family to celebrate. I told my mom this (I'm beyond excited about this idea) and she says, "it's your wedding"... only after I had to pry it out of her what she thought.

I told her my first bridesmaid choice was Jess, Christopher's cousin, and she said I should add my cousin too, "or it's not fair to the families"... I've been continually explaining to her since then that Jess is a friend, and my cousin's are not.

When I called her to update her on wedding plans she decided it was a great time to throw everything she could at me to make me feel bad for not doing things. "I haven't seen you so long, if you're in town to see his parents you should be making the time to see us too...", "Grandpa isn't doing well, I'm not sure how long he'll last, it would be so nice if you would drop in on him. It's really on all of us to keep visiting, and you haven't in much too long. Think about how you'll feel when he's not around and you haven't seen him in months leading up to it...", "You're brother's birthday is comming up, I don't know when we're doing anything so keep the first two weeks in August open, you missed his birthday a few years ago and it really pissed him off" (it didn't, he didn't care, I got together with him on my own a few days later...i missed it because she told me one day in advance and I had very long standing plans...). She even brought up the one easter dinner with my dad's side of the family I missed because she didn't tell me until day of and I had already told the Lynch's I'd be there because I hadn't heard from my family despite two weeks of calling almost everyday to find out (I don't even know how she pretended to make it relivant to our conversation about my wedding plans and how happy I am)... but that was my fault too.

Nothing is good enough for her, it never has been, and no matter what I do I won't be good enough either. I'm very aware of her thoughts about me and the life I'm making for myself, and knowing how I look through her eyes (which isn't at all who I am) reverts me right back who I was a few years ago and all the scars start hurting again... I've come a long way and the person I am when I'm not around her has zero resemblance to the person I am when I am with her. I just shut down and let everything I used to feel come back, because I don't know how to handle her any better now than I did back then. It's gotten to the point that I haven't talked to her in three weeks straight, she won't call me and I just don't have the energy to listen to her encourage her own bad behavior. Each time I go to her first when she decides her daughter isn't worth the trouble to talk to I only prove to her she was right (in her mind), and things never get better. Maybe they won't get better this way either, but there's a better chance I'll be happier. She absolutley ruins me, every single time...

So I'm engaged, and so happy about it. I am finding that I feel a little strange about it though. I think it's just all the work staring me down right now. We are looking at fall of 2010 for the approx. date... so I have a little while to get things together. But there is sooo much to do!

Christopher wants to have 3 brides and groomsmen... So far I have the maid of honor picked out and that's it. It's not that I don't have friends, it's that I've neglected most of my friendships a little lately and I don't know who I could ask that wouldn't have the thought, " I didn't think we were that close....". It's really depressing.

Not to mention the Maid of Honor will happen to be Christohper's cousin so my mom is being a bitch about how I should include one of my cousin's as well. What she's not getting: I'm not friends with my cousins, I am however, friends with Jessie.... I'm focusing on a negativity free wedding experience.. we'll see how it goes, this is day 4 of the engagment and i'm already pulling my hair out because of my mom.

I think I have a few people I could ask who would be suprised I thought we were that close but happy to be there and stand with me... at least they won't have to pay much, I'm keeping it cheap and simple for the bride's maids....

Bare with this...it's very much my thoughts on paper....nothing polished....

I said something to Pher tonight, I said, "I believe the ultimate challenge to us as humans is to over come our own nature." I do believe this to be true - though I was speaking only in terms of inherent violence at the time - on every level of our existence. From the less extreme examples, such as coaxing myself to go to work when it's the single point of daily pain and frustration in my life; to the more sever examples such as my suddenly inability to emotionally justify my personal consumption of another being, regardless of my physiological need for it: I believe this to be true.

It is absolutely my greatest personal challenge to overcome my own nature. And in realizing this, I know one thing beyond all others - I am an utter, undeniable failure. It does not cross my mind to consider taking this ingrained challenge away from myself. It does not cross my mind to live in a world that does not strive to obtain this goal (though I am fully aware many people I hold close to my heart do this very thing). I am, however, compelled to explore the idea of removing something that is a part of me.

In my exploration I find only one undeniable fact: I can not stop my blood from cycling through my body. I cannot stop time from pushing me further and further from birth, or the maggots from disposing of what I leave behind when I no longer belong here. The challenge to over come ourselves - myself - is no more imposed, no more chosen than my inevitable departure from this place. All of this leads me directly back to my all-to-obvious failure.

While I have succeeded in the most sever of these challenges I've failed in all others. I certainly call into work more often that I should, because it's just too hard to go back to it all again. I absolutely become condescending and rude toward Pher because I feel so much less intelligent than he is. His brilliance emanates from him, and in contrast to my black hole of emotion, thought, everything - it's almost too painful to see myself with him sometimes.

So I ask myself for a well deserved explanation; if you can withhold what you physiologically need to survive, if you can resist the most magnetic addiction in existence (due to it's true necessity to life): Why can you not treat him better?...My only answer comes to me in silence, and surrounded by silence I hear no answer, I stare blankly at the wall knowing this is how he feels when I'm unable to open up to him, unable to explain my hurtful behavior: and suddenly, I am terrified.

It's been a long time...

There has been a lot going on lately, so bare with me as I try to catch up on the things in my life I feel the need to complain about. I have decided the easiest way to do this will be to make a list of major events below and talk about the ones i feel the most need to vent about...

1. Kaity got married (kinda)
2. I no longer have an appendix
3. My boss is a bitch and decided to get upset that I had to be out for a whole 5 days while I healed from my now missing appendix
4. Some very strange person at work seems to want to get me fired
5. I have a new appreciation for the killers (ok, not a complaint but they do rock...check out "Sawdust"
6. Kaity PLANNING to have a second kid (wants to be pregnant within the next 6 months or so)


We will start with #1 - the wedding took place in a warehouse (kid you not). We entered through the back door of the warehouse where there was a printed banner hanging (crooked) that said, "First Harvest Church". There was still the remnants of someones kid's band practice behind them as they repeated whatever the pastor told them to. We went to a little bar after for the "reception" where we ate, then most people left (they were there the total of about an hour). Christopher, Donna (his mom), Mark (his dad), and I stayed longer....basically so Christopher and Donna could drink away the pain of watching Kaity ruin her life slowly. One good thing did come out of it though; Donna said she'd pay for our wedding. She said, "if you two are waiting for money reasons, please don't. I will help you out, you should get married when you are ready, and if that's now, please let us know."

One to #2 - Late Feb. I had my appendix out. I had something called "Chronic Appendicitis", it means you have a chronic infection in your appendix (and sometimes it your blood stream) for up to 8 months. This would explain my being sick for almost the last year (and why I kep going to the doctor to me told nothing was wrong. At one point I was classified as a "drug seeker" because they did not believe me). My appendix was so swollen when they went in to remove it they had to extend the incision by about 1.5 inches from the average length for the surgery. I had about 28 internal stiches in my side. and took about a month to recover (compared to the week and half that is typcial). I"m good now though.

Have to go for now but I remember how fun this is now, so I'll write again soon.

I hope tomorrow is like today...

So it's a Guster song (a good one) but it doesn't mean I'm not serious! Just thought I'd throw it out there...

Something hit me the other day while I was adding another skeleton chapter to something I hope (but don't expect to finish) might become a book someday; I can't write anything that ends badly. Negative, sad, raw emotion is what I typically write. I still have some of that, and it's still pretty much ok as far as quality, but I'm finding I always end with hope.

His Sister is getting married at the end of the month!

We found out last night that Kaity is getting married Jan 31, 2009... in ten no NINE days. That's all the notice anyone was allowed to receive.

Christopher and I have decided there is entirley something up. Kaity had just called her dad a few days ago to tell him they were planning the wedding for "sometime before June". Then Mark gets a call while out to eat with Christopher's mom, Donna, saying they moved the date up to ten days from yesterday. The upside here, and the only one there is, Mark is now on the same side of the rest of the family. Here is the information that came from the conversations throughout the week:

1. We now know Kaity DID sign on the house "he" bought. She had lied to everyone saying he was the only person on the mortgage, apparently she signed "3-4 documents" while Jake and his family signed "like 20" so "it's not that big of a deal." By the way, this house is costing them 2,000/mo. That's after insurance and everything. However, that leaves them not working down their debt to everyone they owe (and that's a lot of people and a lot of money) and with about 400/mo toward living expenses for them AND the kid.

2. Mark asked Kaity if he could look over the documents she had signed BEFORE Jan 31 to make sure she hadn't signed her life away. Her answer was "no, it's none of your business, you can't see them". To which Mark responded (I'm not sure that it was in response to this comment, but more in response to her behavior over the last year or so) "Kaity, what are you doing?" Which breaks my heart because her parents are so insanely worried about her right now I can just imagine the tone he was using. At least he sees there is a problem now.

3. Her reasons for this irrational sudden move of the wedding date don't make any sense. Here they are:
1. Jake wants to get married sooner rather than later (Christopher and I don't buy this, we think a lot of the decision is on her seeing as he wasn't going to purpose, she had to, and he's never really shown any real interest in keeping her around. At least no preference to whether or not she is in his life).
2. "I can't get money for school as a single parent; if I am married I can get more cash to help me out." This is rediculously untrue. When we unveiled our confusion she let us know "I tried to get money through MATC, but, I'm filed as a dependant under mom and dad so they go off her income. If I file as I dependant under Jake I don't get the single parent status anyway. So it just makes more sense." This is again, well just plain dumb. She should be filing as her own dependant (not the right wording but you get the drift) and she would be seen a single parent and could get all kinds of help.
Something is totally up here.

AND # 4:

Jake had agreed to go to marriage counciling before they were married, however, I'm not sure how much they will get figured out in nine days....

UGH UGH UGH UGH UGH!!!!!